Temple Of Doom Much?

My yearning for Civiliztion IV continues. Remember the other night? Well, that monster download that was supposed to give me a demo to tide me over until the real thing arrived got cut off. Horror. I, dismayed, started it again, only to see that, inexplicably, it was going 12 times as fast. In an hour, it was done. But, and I can only imagine this is because someone very important hates me, it didn't work (something about not being able to mount a disk image). Crushed hopes, horror. Today, I checked my package's progress and, true to my wildest hopes, it was estimated to arrive today, not tomorrow! I rushed to the post office, no package slip. Crushed hopes, horror. Again; no, same thing. Thrice I went, longing for my package. Finally, it was there (thanks to a friendly postmaster). Joyful, I jumped on Concord (my faithful steed) and sped back to my dorm.

But here's the thing: I had also ordered a mouse (to get free shipping), which they warned me would ship separately. So when I tore open my package, it was just a mouse, not gamer-crack.

Crushed hopes. Horror.

Points A and B

You know what doesn't make sense? (pause so that everyone can take a minute for stupid "your mom" and "your face" jokes without missing any key blog plot). Download time predictions. You know when you're trying to download something and you see the little bar that says something like

"tiny fraction of huge file at way too slow KB/sec; slightly longer than your lifetime remaining"

Ok, well, it's something close to that. You know what I mean. Anyways, you know how the shiny progress bar clearly moves forward and the amount you've downloaded clearly increases, and yet somehow, your very advanced computer's prediction of long it will take increases the further along you progress? How does that make sense? When I started this download three hours ago and it was 0% done, you said it would take 9 hours. Now, at 40% done, it apparently will take 11 hours. What the fuck? How does it take longer to download less? Stop playing with my heart, download manager. Also, why is this only going at 6.8 KB/sec?!?!?! Fuck.

But wait, you say! Why, oh beloved author, are you downloading something that would take 9 hours (yeah, it's gone back down to 9, douchebag) you ask. Well, I find myself here with nothing to do and the seed of "I want to play turn based strategy games" planted somewhere deep inside. Recently, this seed has begun to sprout feelers of undeniable desire that have crept into the back of my mind and, now, the front of my mind and my gums. Before long, there was a full blown YOU MUST FUCKING PLAY SID MEIER'S CIVILIZATION IV flower blooming in my mind. I sprung into action and started downloading the demo, but, alas, it apparently will take forever. Desperately needing something to do, I leapt onto my bike and struck out for the nearest Best Buy with the words "the internet is too slow" on my lips.

The bike path was shady, the breeze was pleasant, and before I knew it, there I was. And there it was, Civilization IV, gleaming like a huge pile of heroin in a desert populated by sand-komodo dragons and heroin addicts. But wait! It was for PC. Fuck me and my love of the mac. I looked around desperately, even considered settling for Age of Empires or Caesar IV or, well, Settlers. Woe, if only I had gotten around to putting Windows on my laptop.

But I was undaunted, for it seemed like just the kind of quest I was looking for...a quest for Civilization! Full of optimism (and, it would seem, total ignorance of the 95 degree weather), I jumped on my bike and set out for the next town where, rumor had it, there was a store that might carry it. I arrived, still kind of fairly optimistic, looked around, asked around, but was thwarted by fate. I realized that I was, after all this effort, still without my gaming fix and had to bike another 8 miles in the sweltering heat.

That pretty much brings us to now, with me, still dehydrated, sitting in front of a fan wishing that the internet would speed up so I can play the Civilization demo. I bowed to delayed satisfaction and ordered it online, so in about 5 business days I will finally have my fix. I imagine that sometime around 1 o'clock this morning the shakes will set it...

Oonfarastero?

As you all should know, our livelihoods and, indeed, our very lives are constantly being threatened by the possibility of zombies appearing. Any day, any day (or, more likely, night) it could happen; you're minding your own business when suddenly your friends, family, and neighbors are all zombies, trying to eat your brains. There's rarely any warning, so our only defense is unrelenting preparedness and a healthy stockpile of shotguns.

Here's my latest tip on how to best prevent or mitigate the destructiveness of zombies; facilitate easy identification. Too often, zombies are confused for normal (well, not normal but at least living) people. I think only nonbelievers do this, but unfortunately there's a lot of them. Anyways, we need to make sure that every zombie if IDed as a flesh-eating undead abomination ASAP. The solution: mutilate the recently dead.

As soon as someone if declared dead, they should be made to look unmistakably dead. That way, if they ever rise to terrorize (and eat) the living, and are seen staggering down a street, everyone will immediately realize they're zombies and, naturally, behead them with a shotgun.

Do your part, hide your chainsaw.

Check it.

Like Mario Mushrooms, It Hapened On The Internets

(The following names have not changed to protect identities.)

AaronBurr117: :P
CatherineDeBoures: d:
AaronBurr: lol
CatherineDeBoures: [-o-]
AaronBurr: lol, we're doing buttholes now AaronBurr: (o)
justifiably_vertical: no you N0ob, it's a tie fighter
CatherineDeBoures: yes!
CatherineDeBoures: (_!_)
justifiably_vertical: cylon fighter?
CatherineDeBoures: no, butthole

P.s. (/\) Cylon fighter or rebel alliance?

Because The World Should Know Too

Meanwhile, I've been playing way too much Rouge Squadron...

Long Awaited Humor, Courtesy Of Someone Else

Apparently, if I want to follow the career I plan to (geek), I'm pretty much required to read xkcd, so I did. I must say, I was disappointed by his emo drivel, at least until I found pretty much the best Matrix reference ever. Also, I respect his healthy wariness of velociraptors.

This "Munroe" character managed to get pretty much all my heart-strings, from the criminally untapped combination of Bond and physics to one of my favorite hobbies. He also conceived of a way to scare of a girl while simultaneously convincing me, through his clever OCD-themed humor, to replace and exceed any sex lost by scaring off said girl.

By the way, NP completely-gotcha bitch.

Next Big Thing

Remember the last big thing (it was me)? Well, here's the next one:

Febreze noseplugs. They're a little thing that clips (painlessly) to the bottom of your nose and emits a subtle (unless smelled from point blank) Febreze scent. No longer will we have to spray everything in our homes with chemicals, just ourselves! Just think about how efficient it would be. One wearing one noseplug would be the equivalent to emptying an entire bottle throughout your house. Even better, you could use it outside your house. Is your friend a slob? Just wear a noseplug whenever you go over. Does nature stink? Don't worry, Febreze is here for you. Coming soon: Febreze body wash. Let your own Febreze-inspired stench simply overwhelm all other scents you encounter.