I've always claimed to be a "borderline insomniac", meaning I have trouble falling asleep and often spend upwards of an hour lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. Now, all of a sudden, I think I'm becoming a real insomniac (or at least a slightly more legitimate one). Right now, it's 1:15 in the morning and I have to be up by, say, 9:30. I haven't been able to wake up at all lately, so really I should be in bed right now trying to ensure that I actually get up for calculus tomorrow. But I'm not. I'm sitting out here writing this.
I don't want to go to sleep. In fact, it's one the last things I want to do right now. The very thought of going into my room and turning the lights off disgusts me. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to fall asleep within an hour of going to bed lately, maybe it's 'cuz I'm not tired. Maybe it's all the adrenaline in my system, or because I slept in a ton this morning. So yeah, there's a lot of reasons to explain this other than insomnia, but this is really starting to feel like a trend. I think it's the stress of this past week that's driving me to be awake, even though I want to badly for each day to end. Maybe I know that tomorrow will suck, and that every tomorrow for a while has sucked, and I want to delay it as long as possible.
Whatever the reason, I want to find something, anything to do all night and just rely on the caffeine I can't afford to carry me through tomorrow. It's easy to justify, after all, I don't have anything particularly important to do tomorrow. Then again, I feel like I haven't been able to think straight for two weeks which is making it very hard to do any work or pull myself out of the paralysis of this stress-cycle. I don't think I can ride a sleepless binge through the nine days until finals are over, but do I ever want to.
What I really need is a program to write so I have something to do. I have no assignments for computer science left, but maybe I can cook up an idea for Fruit Stand or Hobbit Village...
Wait. What am I saying? Did I just decide to stay up all night? This is a terrible idea. I need to get to class tomorrow at 11, preferably with time beforehand to finish my problem set and eat breakfast. Maybe, by some miracle, I'll muster the willpower to wake up tired and caffinate enough to make it through. What the hell...the alternative is making me queasy, so I might as well go for it.
Wish me luck...tomorrow.
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2 comments:
Welcome to my life.
(^ and you know that's not a healthy sign)
But in the spirit of your problems perhaps you will enjoy this cruddy piece of writing I did about it at the end of senior year.
Red Bull
Its dead lifeforce is calling me. To chill, to pop, to push, to chug, to taste, the tangy bobbing bubbles transcending my tongue. To be refreshed, to be awoken again. To let run wild in my veins the drug that keeps the indistinguishable masses moving madly in mobs with no determined direction. To push the limits of productivity to 4,5,6 AM. To just not sleep tonight. To continue this questionable conciousness at all costs. To keep going, going, going, 'til it's all gone, and then some. To not even need to nap nor desire to dream. To be the buzz. Up and running, but dead inside.
Well said juicy.
It's tomorrow now, so I'll say this with all honesty: good luck man. We need you alive to conquer galaxy, so live you must. There is no other option.
May the force be with you.
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