Sunday, March 23, 2008

School's Important, I Swear

I think the makers of Trojan brand condoms skipped a key day of history class because has got to be the stupidest name for a condom brand. Let's think about Trojans for a moment: 1) they lost the war. It's the only thing any of us are aware of Troy doing, and they lost. 2) They lost because of a girl (Helen of Troy, right?). I personally don't like the idea of condoms that don't fare well in conflicts involving women. And, worst of all, we have the Trojan Horse! Think about it. The horse was used to sneak unwanted dudes into an unsuspecting city. Just think about that Trojan Horse full of little spermies eager to ransack something. BAD!

Girl: "Oh, look, a Trojan. He must mean well. I know because I got a C+ in history."
Spermies: "Hooray! The trick is working, she thinks the Trojan is harmless because it looks safe. Now we can ransack her city."

This is not good. Trojan: bad marketing scheme. Good thing the women haven't caught on yet, otherwise you'd start making a lot of guys very unhappy.

Girl: "Honey, I'm not sure about this...something makes me suspect that condom of ransack-related trickery."
Dude: "Wait, did you just call me "honey"? What the fuck?!"
Spermies: "NOOO! We art thwarted!"


The Juicy One said...

Hahahaha, personified sperm. Always gets me.

Oh, and yeah I totally caught on to the trojan horse analogy way back when (and blogged about it), but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery : ).

Terra Shield said...

Seriously, the way your mind connects all these ideas is just amazing. I had a good laugh just now. You just made my Monday better. Thanks!!

justifiably_vertical said...

Terra, I love the flattery, but I think it's as much a sign of insanity as sense of humor, but crazy if definitely worth improving your day ;)

Etre ar mor hag ar stered said...

Perhaps it's a machiavellian plan to get women pregnant. Although you'd think people might have caught on by now. Perhaps there have been an abnormally large number of unreported accidents. I suppose we would have to ask the Little Red Corvette or the fine people of Rainier (Oregon, that is). I'm sure there could be worse names for a condom brand. I'm not very imaginative, but woops or pram or maginot or strainer come to mind. At least trojans are fierce or whatever. Oh, and they killed Brad Pitt. You have to give them credit for killing Brad Pitt.

And with a little luck your child will have some of Orlando's genes.

justifiably_vertical said...

Oh wow, good point. I hadn't thought of it from the Brad Pitt perspective. Sorry Trojan, that's an awesome name.

And if my kid comes out anything like non-Legolas Orlando, so help me God...

Etre ar mor hag ar stered said...

Oh yea, he was kind of dreadful in Lord of the Rings. But your child would be rather popular. By then people will have forgotten about Orlando, so your child will merely be hot. This leads to popularity which brings about opportunities, which lead to money.

So basically the looks of your child might have some influence on the quality of your nursing home.