Monday, June 30, 2008

My Hobby:

Whenever I'm walking around in public, and I pass some stranger, I start talking in accented gibberish so they think it's a foreign language and think to themselves, "wow, I wonder where he's from?"

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Who the fuck put the zero key so close to the 'o' key. That's retarded.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I Wanna Be Your Honey-Bee

I finally found my dream career! I've been wracking my brain trying to think of some way of turning my one-day computer science degree (knock on wood) into a career, but that damnable organ has not yielded to the torture. Until today. It happened while I was waiting for Jackie at Apple to figure out why I don't have any concaine yet (turns out they hadn't shipped it when they said they'd shipped it. There goes my dream of Apple taking over the world and establish a sleek, largely featureless utopia. It's okay though, because now I have a new dream, you know, the one I was talking about before this aside). I was singing along to Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" when it struck me: I could be a call center DJ! Think about it, all those frustrated customers and tele-thrill seekers listening to the stylings of D-"double J"-V. I would play edgy, offensive music, hold giveaways, and listen to very pissed off callers. People don't mind listening to the radio, so if "on hold" is just like the radio, people wouldn't mind getting their calls not answered. Dynamite, right?

By the way, if any one of you out there work in customer service, I want you to know that, by and large, you guys do a great at what must be a pretty terrible job (at times, anyways). Go you.

Friday, June 13, 2008

So Much For "Fire And Water"

This is pretty much assured to never happen due to time constraints from my job and current-leading-hobby (programming a re-imagining of the Space Invaders concept), but it really deserves some honest time and effort.

I figure the betting would go round by round, with the pot going to either the last survivor or anyone who could win with their poker hand (assuming their attempt to "call" wasn't thwarted by a spell, creature, or discard of the 5 of clubs). Each player would have a character who would contribute abilities associated with their class (stealing cards or money from the pot, slaying opponents' creatures, etc) and level up by doing various things. All the while, everyone would have a Magic deck going, doing battle with that to kill opposing characters or undermine people's poker hands. At any point a good poker hand (e.g. a flush) could be discarded for major payoffs in other parts of the game, such as level ups or instantaneously untapping mana. The possibilities are endless.

Also, this is really funny.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Temple Of Doom Much?

My yearning for Civiliztion IV continues. Remember the other night? Well, that monster download that was supposed to give me a demo to tide me over until the real thing arrived got cut off. Horror. I, dismayed, started it again, only to see that, inexplicably, it was going 12 times as fast. In an hour, it was done. But, and I can only imagine this is because someone very important hates me, it didn't work (something about not being able to mount a disk image). Crushed hopes, horror. Today, I checked my package's progress and, true to my wildest hopes, it was estimated to arrive today, not tomorrow! I rushed to the post office, no package slip. Crushed hopes, horror. Again; no, same thing. Thrice I went, longing for my package. Finally, it was there (thanks to a friendly postmaster). Joyful, I jumped on Concord (my faithful steed) and sped back to my dorm.

But here's the thing: I had also ordered a mouse (to get free shipping), which they warned me would ship separately. So when I tore open my package, it was just a mouse, not gamer-crack.

Crushed hopes. Horror.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Points A and B

You know what doesn't make sense? (pause so that everyone can take a minute for stupid "your mom" and "your face" jokes without missing any key blog plot). Download time predictions. You know when you're trying to download something and you see the little bar that says something like

"tiny fraction of huge file at way too slow KB/sec; slightly longer than your lifetime remaining"

Ok, well, it's something close to that. You know what I mean. Anyways, you know how the shiny progress bar clearly moves forward and the amount you've downloaded clearly increases, and yet somehow, your very advanced computer's prediction of long it will take increases the further along you progress? How does that make sense? When I started this download three hours ago and it was 0% done, you said it would take 9 hours. Now, at 40% done, it apparently will take 11 hours. What the fuck? How does it take longer to download less? Stop playing with my heart, download manager. Also, why is this only going at 6.8 KB/sec?!?!?! Fuck.

But wait, you say! Why, oh beloved author, are you downloading something that would take 9 hours (yeah, it's gone back down to 9, douchebag) you ask. Well, I find myself here with nothing to do and the seed of "I want to play turn based strategy games" planted somewhere deep inside. Recently, this seed has begun to sprout feelers of undeniable desire that have crept into the back of my mind and, now, the front of my mind and my gums. Before long, there was a full blown YOU MUST FUCKING PLAY SID MEIER'S CIVILIZATION IV flower blooming in my mind. I sprung into action and started downloading the demo, but, alas, it apparently will take forever. Desperately needing something to do, I leapt onto my bike and struck out for the nearest Best Buy with the words "the internet is too slow" on my lips.

The bike path was shady, the breeze was pleasant, and before I knew it, there I was. And there it was, Civilization IV, gleaming like a huge pile of heroin in a desert populated by sand-komodo dragons and heroin addicts. But wait! It was for PC. Fuck me and my love of the mac. I looked around desperately, even considered settling for Age of Empires or Caesar IV or, well, Settlers. Woe, if only I had gotten around to putting Windows on my laptop.

But I was undaunted, for it seemed like just the kind of quest I was looking for...a quest for Civilization! Full of optimism (and, it would seem, total ignorance of the 95 degree weather), I jumped on my bike and set out for the next town where, rumor had it, there was a store that might carry it. I arrived, still kind of fairly optimistic, looked around, asked around, but was thwarted by fate. I realized that I was, after all this effort, still without my gaming fix and had to bike another 8 miles in the sweltering heat.

That pretty much brings us to now, with me, still dehydrated, sitting in front of a fan wishing that the internet would speed up so I can play the Civilization demo. I bowed to delayed satisfaction and ordered it online, so in about 5 business days I will finally have my fix. I imagine that sometime around 1 o'clock this morning the shakes will set it...

Sunday, June 08, 2008


As you all should know, our livelihoods and, indeed, our very lives are constantly being threatened by the possibility of zombies appearing. Any day, any day (or, more likely, night) it could happen; you're minding your own business when suddenly your friends, family, and neighbors are all zombies, trying to eat your brains. There's rarely any warning, so our only defense is unrelenting preparedness and a healthy stockpile of shotguns.

Here's my latest tip on how to best prevent or mitigate the destructiveness of zombies; facilitate easy identification. Too often, zombies are confused for normal (well, not normal but at least living) people. I think only nonbelievers do this, but unfortunately there's a lot of them. Anyways, we need to make sure that every zombie if IDed as a flesh-eating undead abomination ASAP. The solution: mutilate the recently dead.

As soon as someone if declared dead, they should be made to look unmistakably dead. That way, if they ever rise to terrorize (and eat) the living, and are seen staggering down a street, everyone will immediately realize they're zombies and, naturally, behead them with a shotgun.

Do your part, hide your chainsaw.

Check it.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Like Mario Mushrooms, It Hapened On The Internets

(The following names have not changed to protect identities.)

AaronBurr117: :P
CatherineDeBoures: d:
AaronBurr: lol
CatherineDeBoures: [-o-]
AaronBurr: lol, we're doing buttholes now AaronBurr: (o)
justifiably_vertical: no you N0ob, it's a tie fighter
CatherineDeBoures: yes!
CatherineDeBoures: (_!_)
justifiably_vertical: cylon fighter?
CatherineDeBoures: no, butthole

P.s. (/\) Cylon fighter or rebel alliance?