Saturday, January 26, 2008


Embarrassing personal fact: the sexiest thing I've ever heard is "'Fartlek' is Swedish for 'speed play'".

Also, the term "lactate threshold" is a pretty big turn on.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I've Had A Shoefull of Bailey's And I'm Drunk As A Bitch

A friend of mine recently commented that "two thirds of college is sex, and the other third is alcohol". While I'm sure she was kidding, I questioned the wisdom of such an education, and set out on an investigation (no one is awake early Sunday morning, so I have to find ways to amuse myself). Google showed me this article, which sheds some interesting light on the issue. Equipped with this knowledge, I feel that men can know beg for sex with the "but otherwise I'll die" approach. Here's the highlights:

"By having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half."

"Some urologists believe they see a relationship between infrequency of ejaculation and cancer of the prostate."

So there. And, for the record, there's benefits for both sides. Stress relief, exercise, improved sense of smell, pain relief, and (my favorite) better teeth. Seriously, check that one out.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Sex Me Like A Breakfast Burrito: An Ode To The Early Morning

The legend started about a week ago one night, long after the dining hall was closed, when I was very hungry and striking out on an epic 1:30 highway run. "I'm hungry", I said. "Very Hungry. And I want pancakes." Pancakes, you see, are my favorite breakfast here on the tundra. Somehow they're served only once or twice a week, which makes them quite an event (keep in mind that I only make breakfast a few times a week, so the two events coinciding is fairly rare). I was hungry enough that only a great breakfast could truly sate me. Nothing would stand in my way. Nothing. Not even crazy dudes with chainsaws, endless highways, or Olympic caliber sprinting zombies. I told my running partner again and again, "I'm really looking forward to those pancakes, and nothing will stop me." Well, yeah, you get it.

Anyways, I braved the early morning wake-up call and made it to breakfast. I had a huge stack of pancakes, enough to actually make me a little sick of pancakes. Naturally, I went back to sleep immediately afterwards, my only reason for being up having been fulfilled. When I awoke that afternoon, I was informed that, since it was a weekend, they served pancakes at lunch too...until 1pm.

I have no regrets.

Several days later (which, I suppose, was also several days ago) I decided (for reasons I can't for the life of me remember) to stay up until about 9:30 in the morning. I don't remember anything about that night, but I remember walking to breakfast with the same guy I'd been running with earlier. He asked if I'd been up all night and I said "Yes, and guess what's for breakfast."


I decided to stay up tonight too, truly just for shits and giggles (and because I've been falling asleep at disturbingly predictable times lately). I looked at the menu for breakfast this morning so I'd know what I had to look forward to and to my surprise I saw pancakes.

Certainly, this is a sign.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Consternation For The Sake Of Blogging

Why do we put dollar signs in front of numbers? It doesn't make any sense. Dollars are a unit, right? Well, every other unit goes after numbers, so what's the deal dollar sign? Think you're special? No. The coulomb goes after numbers, what makes you better than the coulomb? Is it because you're rich? Douchebag.

Or is it because you're dyslexic and when people say "30 dollars" you here "dollars 30" and jump in front of the number? You know what? I don't even care. You suck.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Keep Me In Frame Goddamnit!

Life is like a fruit-roll up: only kids really enjoy it. Life is like 4am charades: you get kinda sick of it by the second deck. Life is like a movie: it's full of events happening sequentially. Life is like the Techno Viking. Life is not like a dignity contest. Thank god.

On a related note, I will probably have "I want it that way" (by the Backstreet Boys) stuck in my head for several days. Somehow, a few of us here on The Tundra decided it would be fun to do a boy band song for karaoke. Rehearsal started tonight. Lessons learned: the second verse (my solo) should be converted to a rap. It's best for everyone. Oh, and N'Sync makes terrible music videos.

Luckily, there is in fact no dignity contest. There's a karaoke contest, but we've decided no to win it. This is for the best, I'm sure. The turn-boy-band-songs-into-raps contest however, looks to be a wrap (get it?!).

Other news from the Tundra: I need a name for my game-making...organization to go with my 1000+ line sci-fi game. It needs to look badass in the format "(insert title that doesn't suck like my working one): a(n) NAME HERE production. Suggestions are appreciated.

We also need Go-go dancers. No experience required. Bring your own snake.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Adventures In Sensitivity

Some dialog for all you avid fans out there (I'm looking at you freshman)...

See, I was exploring a particularly scenic galaxy that erupted from the bloated stomach of an adolescent star when I came across a shiny gold chest. I went through great trials (dodging ghosts, being eaten by giant eels, fighting handicapped crabs, etc) to get this chest open so I was pretty excited. I figured it was probably a star of either the power, sling, or jump nature. The most disappointing thing would be a load of coins or polyhedrons, right?

Instead, it was a goomba. A goomba?!

Mario: "A goomba? Fuck."

Goomba: " I, uh, found this power star."

Mario: "Oh. Did you? That's, uh, pretty cool."

Goomba: "Boy, this is awkward."

Mario: "Yeah..."


"Can I have it?"

Goomba: "What?"

Mario: "The star...can I have it?"

Goomba: "But it's my star..."

Mario: "Yeah but I'm kind of collecting them. See, I have to rescue this princess..."

Goomba: "But I found it."

Mario: "Yeah, but everyone else is just giving them to me..."

Goomba: "Well did you kill all their relatives too?"

Mario: "Did you really just go there?"

Goomba: "Well why shouldn't I? Just because your a celebrity doesn't mean you can get away with all that."

Mario "Oh fuck this."

At this point I jumped on him, he popped, and I got the star. Basically, everyone won.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

This Was Your Father's Lightsaber

I think the time has come for me to give a big shout-out to Darth Vader for giving me one of my favorite lines ever: "I ind your lack of faith disturbing". Actually, this is a really inappropriate time to do it, but it seemed like the least awkward way to start this post. Yeah, the least.

Here is OSK trying to escape Lord Vader. Despite his awesome lines, he's actually not that personable. On the particular forest moon, there's no moon, just a figure eight of water inhabited by trill seeking penguins and their manta ray slaves. The 'Klingon managed to befriend them and borrow a manta. In this shot, he is about to start an attempt at making it across the entire not-a-moon in less than a minute and a half. Vader is presumably behind him, instructing his escorts to destroy OSK's fellow rebel while "[he] takes care of this one". Vader, however, will be denied his catch as Old School' plummets to his death off the side of the not-a-moon. Again, and again...

Just Because

Some people would say it's rude that I haven't written here in a while (relative to normal live blogging rates), but I disagree. I think it's rude that the rest of the world has posted for me.

I also think it's rude that Major Burrows kicked my ass in the way he did. So much for Super Major Burrows Galaxy.