Monday, August 31, 2009

What?! Ghastly Is Evolving!

I was out shopping tonight, hoping as usual to encounter Levar Burton so that we could prepare a meal together and then run off and be together forever. Because I was hungry, and because buying pre-prepared food makes me feel like a have a wife, I bought some frozen pizza. I picked the Red Baron brand in case other pizzas attacked from the air. I wasn't concerned about an attack by sea because my Troll Destroyers are fully upgraded.

I noticed something unusual. All the pizzas were clearly too large for a single person, and yet it's clearly a product aimed at loner sinkers.

Nevermind, I just wanted to make a Warcraft II joke...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

How To Survive A Zombie Attack: First, Survive The Moths

Something terrible happened to me tonight. I was out buying jumbo packs of condoms, as I often do, but when I returned I a horror awaited me. Clinging to the windows of the door was a huge...giant...vicious...moth.

Seriously, this thing was enormous. A wing span of a least 2 and a half inches, evil mothy powder everywhere. A true beast. Like Godzilla, or Shelob (spawn of Ungoliant), or maybe your mom. 100% terrifying. Also, I hate moths. And by hate, I mean I'm scared of them. Really scared. Like a Jap's afraid of Godzilla.

Anyways, there was clearly no way I could in through that door with such a monster guarding it, so, with my tail firmly between my legs, I circled around to another door.

It was locked.

I tried another, also locked.

So there I was, trapped outside by an unnaturally large moth. I called OSK (even though he was at least 2000 miles away), but to avail. Flapjack was flying solo on this one. I considered waiting until morning, but thought better of it. Instead, I went on a daring commando raid to retrieve a key. After microing my ballistae like a boss, I succeeded and, eventually, made it inside. As far as I know, it's still out there...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Stay Puffed, America

I'm currently under the impression that, if two people have the same birthday, they feel as if they have something in common and will like each other more.

This is not, by any stretch of the imagination, acceptable.

If two people become aware that they share a birthday, they should slowly turn to face each other, lock eyes, and then fight until one of them proves that their birthday is stronger. It's also encouraged that, on your birthday, you wander around with a baseball bat, gun, light saber, or porcupine, looking for birthday parties to assert your superiority over by viciously attacking people.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

"Good, But Now With A Lax Stick" Chapter 1: Fertiliztion

Coming in November '09.

Rainbow Cake

Not all that is gold is Tony Danza,
Not all who who wander are chasing after 1-ups,
The old that is Italian does not whither,
Rigatoni is not reached by the frost,
A fire from the ashes shall spring by pressing B,
A light from the shadows shall triple jump,
It's a trap,
The Crownless again will be king.