Thursday, August 28, 2008

This Is Why You're A Lame-Ass-Bitch-Ho

Someone around here (who must live in suburbia, because that's what 'here' is, and is therefore extremely lame already) named their wireless network "home". First of all, that is an incredibly uncreative name. I hate uncreative name (yeah Rob Thomas, I said it). What a waste, not to mention the future of that poor network that will get made fun of by all the other networks for its fucking stupid name. But that's not the real issue. The issue is this: whatever loser made this network must've been thinking "Well, I'll name this 'home' because I suck and I use it when I'm at home, so I'll know to use this one". The problem? Everyone is at home you dumb shit! Everyone who opens internet connect around here will, if only for an instant, think "Oh, 'home', that must be the one I want since I'm at home".

So yeah, basically I hate you. One day I'll return to this place and hack your stupid network and rename it Lamoland. Plus I'll protect it with a password that looks something like this:

lakefglawhgkbcskvbskdjbfajkwbfk,jwd And I won't write it down. Anywhere.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Sunday, August 24, 2008

An Ode To The Good Ol' Days

Want someone to blame for the recent holiday* in Georgia? Look no further than the following:

That's right. Blood on her hands. Want to piss off Russians? Try having an ex-pat win gold for America. In gymnastics. Silver lining? At least she wasn't a synchronized swimmer. Had little Nastia pulled this shit back in the '80s, the KGB would have put her back in her place:

*The People National We Got Fucked Day, traditionally celebrated by inserting something red, white, and blue up your ass.

Friday, August 01, 2008


About a year ago, or was it two...well, if you were to take this period of time and round it off to moths, it'd probably be almost divisible by three. Or four. Anyways, the aforementioned amount of time ago, I wrote about skittles. Now, some time later, I sit here with a brandy glass full of chocolate skittles next to me.

By the way, did you know that, if I google "chocolate skittles", the skittles homepage isn't the first result? Clearly they need a better website.

On a related note, I heard that there's a javascript command called "set googlebot trap", that attracts 'trolling google bots, snaps their necks, and raises them as little zombie google bots which then obey your website and can help it move up on the results page.

This just in: chocolate skittles suck. These things are positively vile. They taste like plastic that's been soaked in chlorine. Honestly, I have never encountered faker chocolate, not even when I took a safari to Coke Presents New Cocoaland. Also, one of the flavors is "vanilla". What the fuck? A vanilla chocolate skittle? Now my head hurts, just like my stomach. These abominations are just the latest in a trend by candy manufacturers (recently merged with, it would seem, shit factories); "let's take this cool product we make, and create an inferior version". Just look at dark chocolate milky ways. Shit for brained dingos.

Fuck, every one of these flavors just tastes like chemicals. It actually takes effort just to see what the fuck they're talking about when they say "this one s'mores, and this one's caramel!". Yeah, and this one is soylent green, courtesy of the people in our company who actually had good ideas.

You know how there's always some douchebag who likes to say "everything that can be invented, has been", and we all turn around and say "lol, owned, we just invented something"? Well, he's right about candy. So instead of simply continuing to make original, tropical, wild berry, smoothie (if they insists), tart'n'tangy and sour, double sour, Xtreme fruit, and carnival skittles, along with both skittles mints and mint skittles, they decided to go ahead and make chocolate ones too. Seriously? But no, like seriously? Why not put the R&D money towards advertising the existence of carnival skittles? Because, really, skittles should not have a big R&D budget (nor should that department's strategy be "exhaustive search").