Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Wiiings

Today was one of those days, not the ones when you want to just die a while so it will just end, it was one of the days that seems like a too-perfect microcasm for the whole universe, like everything you understand about the universe is crystalized and displayed in the theatre of this single day.

I was feeling virtuous today (a far too weighty, but more importantly boring subject to get into right now); I did my work diligently, worked on college applications, didn't fuck around playing Unreal Tournament. I decided to go home and work on an RPG I'm designing, which I figure is a more worthwhile use of my time than most of the shit I do. My first mistake was buying a pack of Dots (fucking highway robbery at 2 and something dollars), which by the way are nasty and not a good thing to have make up a signifigant portion of your food for one day. Then, instead of compiling a list of references I'd made but not yet developed in my RPG I decided to chill in front of the TV on a new leather couch. I proceeded to rot in front of "Clerks" (the indie-original, not the newer one thats in color) for an hour and change, eating nasty Dots. I felt like shit, I'd wasted an otherwise decent, constructive day.

So that brings us to redemption. Redemption has always fascinated me, probably because I consider myself more or less a failure have have some sliver of hope left that youth, no doubt, has saved from my cynicism. Conviniently enough, Clerks (an otherwise lewd and mediocre film) had a touching, redemptive ending which I didn't bother watching for some time after the aformentioned feeling like shit. Maybe from all the gloom and misery that is life and low budget comedies we can earn some clarity, get some purity from the crucible of realized sin. Maybe, at the end of a ruined day, we can repair someone else's, like driving to mobil (the same highway robbers that sold me dots, ah, how fitting) to surprise someone who's passing out over a mound of homework with an energy drink.

But that brings us to our second point. As I was carrying that enerfy drink across some treasured 6th-form lawn, I thought about how good a person I was, how much she'd appreciate that little gesture. Honestly, I wasn't in it for any kickback or even thanks, just the thought of making someone's day warmed my otherwise cold and empty little heart. But somehow it didn't work out the way I imagined it and a celebratory arm pump and wry, pointless comment from an onlooker didn't feel the way I thought it would.

Dissapointment, thats that life boils down to in my opinion. Anything that makes you happy, anything you value will eventualy be taken away from you and leave in its place a heartache worth twice the joy it brought you. Maybe that's just my cynicism, maybe its just me that looks (or, rather, stares longingly) into someone's painfully pretty, big brown eyes (unclouded, I hasten to add, by caffine) and sees only a future without her reflected back.

8 comments:

OldSchoolKlingon said...

I feel you on this one- My entire day was a giant bore and made me nervous and uncomfortable. Having not experienced a major loss of something good in my life, I can't yet hold to the notion that loss overwhelms the gain of a good thing whilst it is running its course. In some cases, I can see that that would be true, but good things can come to peaceful endings, and perhaps that little piece of nostalgia it leaves behind is just enough to let you appreciate the thing for a long while to come. Maybe when we learn to fully accept the fact that all good things come to an end we will appreciate them more, and make something out of this otherwise dissapointing existence.

Gavrich said...

Uh-oh, I think something's dreadfully wrong with you, JV. Or perhaps, is something wonderfully right? Methinks it's the former, but mehopes it's the latter.

By the way, did you get the reaction you expected and desired?

justifiably_vertical said...

I personaly have never been able to make peace with life enough to find that nostalgia anything but painful...maybe one day.

And tubs, nothing is particularly right or wrong, this was written largely on a whim.

It probably deserves some more explanation (not to mention editing), maybe I'll make another post about it...

The Juicy One said...

Gavrich, i dont think you really know what hes referring to at the end, (which is seperate from the drink story) and didnt he already say he didn't get the expected reaction?

speaking of which....I didnt know you drove all the way to get it until today!!! so not only did you make my day yesterday when you got me it, but you also just made my day today by showing how much effort it took and bothering to blog about it....that better? do you want me to like hug you or do a cheer or something? cuz ill do that too, not to mention that ending makes me want to do something to cheer you up...

never saw clerks 1 but 2 was hillarious,(vertical would love it) and id be interested to see how you thought today was a perfect microasm, infact i was thinking something similar about its typicality...

Gavrich said...

I believe the word you'r looking for is "microcosm," not "microasm." I do not believe "microasm" is a word, unless it's a new colloquialism. But "microcosm" works in place of "microasm" in your post.

Perhaps I don't quite know what he's talking about at the end. But I have an inkling of a guess (an educated guess) as to what it is.

I didn't read the post closely enough; the romantic sentimentality at the end hooked me into thinking it was more positive than it actually is.

I hope you've asked she-with-the-beautiful-brown-eyes to the Formal, Ben...

The Juicy One said...

yeah...like i said....no idea....

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Juicy One said...

omg vertical get word identification....(unless of course you think sara from syria is a real person)